MysticAngel's Blog

Of Life and Photographs…

MysticAngel — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 15:39:43 +0000

Life…how complex can it be?
A world of color and black and white.
A world mixed of angles, moments, darkness and a thousand glimmering shards of light.

Photographs…how complex can it be?
A world of sadness and joy.
A world mixed of motions, stillness, emotions, and a thousand variation of memories

Some take a lot of shots to make sure they capture one perfect moment..
Some just take one shot to capture a lifetime.
In both scenarios…I might have missed mine…
But that does not mean i should stop clicking

‘Coz somewhere in between clicks is a moment in time…

A moment part of my lifetime.

Drowning

MysticAngel — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 09:21:02 +0000

I miss writing…i used to just sit in front of a PC or take a pad and articulately pour out whatever i feel or whatever i wanna say in minutes. I used to be able to do that. I miss having a clear idea of what i want and be able to do something to somehow achieve it. I used to be able to do that. I miss not having to think about someone and just think about me. There had been a point after years and years of stupidity, when i can AGAIN do that, somehow, i can already put all my mind to ME. So yeah i guess i miss having to be able to do that again.

But somehow…something changed. Something just made me stop…somehow i can no longer fully do anything i mentioned above. It happened so suddenly…that i didnt even realize it. Until i sat staring at a blank Notepad and a blank notebook for almost an hour one night. Not knowing what to say. And it started happening often. I just realized… something did change. And GOD help me…i think im again starting to be as stupid as i had been.

Stupid as banging your head on a wall, or ramming your car in an iron-gate, or trippin’ on your own shoe lace. Stupid as falling for someone you know that, for the life of you, in a thousand years cannot fall for you. Stupid as wasting your energy trying to think of what-ifs. Especially if you knew first-hand how stupid it will all be and yet you went ahead and did it. To add more insult to injury… it seems this stupid ME is still doing it. And somehow…being stupid addles your rational brain, so i can no longer write anything as sensible (sometimes) or as crazy (often times) as i used to.

Of course the smartest thing would be to be smart about everything i just said. If you’re stupid enough to think on jumping from a sinking boat with all your belongings, at least redeem yourself from stupidity by letting go of them when you hit the water so you can save yourself, right?

Well.. i keep telling myself that so im here clutching on my sanity to save me.

Regrets

MysticAngel — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 13:31:33 +0000

We sit in corners always wondering what ifs…how comes and a thousand if onlys. We sit everyday thinking a thousand questions having no definite answers simply because we take too much time thinking rather than doing. Yet…often times, we still feel it’s better this way. Simply because…we’d rather be safe. We’d rather feel safe than threatened. Be pessimistic than get risk disappointment. would rather accept the lies than learn the truth. Live in a world of Irony and Cynicysm. How good is it to be confined in a prison of safety and comfort.

How good is it? Not being able to express what we feel, what we want to say, what we want to do. Simply because we are scared of rejections. So we cower and sit in a corner…wonder…dream…and at the end of the day, what we have is a hundred more questions of what ifs, how comes, and thousand more if onlys. Until one day, it gets really tiring to the point of depression and insanity. And then you’ll realize, you no longer want to sit and think…you wanna get out, you wanna scream to the top of your lungs until you lose the voice that has been trapped in your own prison for the longest time. But then at the same time, you realize, time has passed…and the things you wanna do now, you can no longer do.

This time its forever what ifs…and forever if onlys…

Tuesday…in a platter :)

MysticAngel — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 05:56:59 +0000

I woke up after a good sleep (mostly because i had quite a good night…) and rode a bus to work. Yep, i think ima get back on my bus trips again. I kinda need to move some muscles to before going to work, so i figured i’d rather ride a bus for the meantime so i can walk a few blocks or so before i reach my building. It ain’t so bad. My computer is pretty busted since yesterday morning so it saved me quite some home time and i was not late (first for the past days…or weeks, not that my boss minds.).

I thought it seemed like a pretty good start of the day, with the morning breeze and some light drizzle. Until the build breaks. Yet Again! And from morning til lunch all i seem to think about is how to make the freakin’ build work. See we have this build server that holds all our codes. During code complete, we give QA a copy of our executables and these executables are created in the build server. The problem is that the build server seemed to find it funny to make everything a wee bit unbearable during these times coz it keeps breaking. And what i need at this time…right at this minute is a freakin’ good build

Thankfully, a few things made today good, definitely not great…but i think it will pass for good at least. Well, for one, WordPress is no longer blocked (i just found out this moring) i just don’t know IF this is for good or that if some guys from the network team just played with the security rights for the meantime and allowed us some good viewing time of the sites we like. So ima get my fingers crossed for now and hope this is indeed for good. Then i guess the weather is good enough to make me feel good about today. It ain’t a freakin’ 100 deg temp outside. And good weather always brightens up my mood . So i am back making this build work. Hopefully this time i’ll get a successful one coz i swear, im gonna scream if i see another Build Failed notification for this day. Coz all i want is get home early today and get another good sleep…cozy weathers and cozy covers always make me feel like sleeping.

Kaleidoscope…Not!

MysticAngel — Tue, 10 Aug 2010 15:49:26 +0000

I actually spent my vacation (at least, a day of it) in a mall, at the food court, reading a book (i have read a couple of times, but only bought my own copy just now), looked around, listened to foodcourt music and thought…what the hell was i doing there?

Well, that’s just how poisonous our house had become…deadly to the point of making people living in it spend the day outside of it than inside. Not that i mind, mind you. Fact is, i did enjoy it somehow (well, the vacation at least). Although tecnhically, it ain’t a vacation if you’re not out of town spending time looking at new places or having some time under the sun draped in skin-clad bikinis or swim wears. So, this is more of a time out from work really. But nevertheless, a vacation leave is called vacation after all.

It did get enjoyable because i was able to finish reading a book (and now starting to finish reading another one), watched a couple of movies, seriously tried updating my 1-year-long ipod playlist (where the songs has somehow been long outdated), and spent some time to think. Not that i don’t think during my work days. It’s just that at work, it gets really toxic to the point that everyone’s thought about work gets contagious enough that you take these thoughts on your way home, on the cab, during your sleep..and immediately after the moment you wake up. Okay, maybe part of these thoughts include a certain somebody that has been invading my thoughts for the past months and constantly kept me smiling every now and then. (Again…not that i mind having these thoughts). It’s just that it gets really tiring sometimes.

The weird thing is, i found it somehow inspiring there, at the foodcourt awhile ago. My thoughts were running around, and that’s a good thing ‘coz i noticed that the food court did have some interesting playlists and i liked it. Too bad, i was not able to keep track of all the songs they played (would have been a good addition to my new playlist). Also, a kid playing xylophone caught my attention and i realized i cannot remember the last time i heard someone playing it, so must have been that long already. Which took me back to my old school, they used to have this lyre band, (with xylophes, lyres, drums and the works), that used to practice during the wee hours of the afternoon serenading the ever so peaceful halls of the gradeschool building of my alma matter, and i remember it had been fun watching and listening to them before.

I also noticed a lot of people, it’s really not quiet here but somehow, i can hear my mind think. And if you really wanna know what i’m thinking that time…past the music, that food court, that mall…It is hoping for a bigger salary come september, be able to find time to probably get into some writing class or photography… ‘coz i really miss school.

I miss not being responsible about anything other than homework, grades…and (OMG, that least favorite song of mine ruined my mood by the way, so i had to get up and go home after awhile) definitely miss not getting affected by music simply because it reminds me of a certain person, i have tried so hard to delete from my memory.

That was the thing…everything…was so simple before. Until we all had to become adults. Live a complicated life, work our ass off, get a vacation, and then again work our ass off. Start liking someone, who, we know, in a million years will not think of us as more than friends…and to top it all off, get this nagging feeling that deep down inside of you, you know there is something wrong.

So if you really wanna know…here is what i think, people saying life is as good as it gets are just blinded by the good stuff, because life is not always good like that…sometimes, life is just…Life. Like getting to hear your least favorite song in a span of less than half an hour…twice. That’s life.

Time…after time

MysticAngel — Sun, 08 Aug 2010 02:21:50 +0000

Time…it’s always a factor to everything in this world. Time needed to sleep, to rest, to think, to heal…and to a million other things that is part of living. Time. When was the last time you took some time off? I’m taking mine this week. Or at least…part of this week. I’m on leave for the next 3 weekdays and my mind is running around…thinking what to do with my time off. I wanna read, i wanna write, i wanna watch movies, travel, take pictures…and all these things i wanna do but it seems, time isn’t enough to do all of it. So i choose..a number of other activities that i can fit. Probably one of these things will be to go have my vertigo case examined. Yes…the metaphor for some to see their world go round seems to be taken by my body literally. So yeah, maybe i will see a doctor this week, coz it ain’t fun getting up and lying down and feeling the dizziness take over.

I have too little time as well…with the very person that seems to keep me inspired these past months. Just when we are getting closer, he gets assigned somewhere far for a couple of months or so. And it makes me a tad bit sadder than usual.

What is it with falling for the person you know you can never have? It’s not the chase…i think it’s more of the knowing that no matter what happens you already know the outcome. You get lesser disappointments…and at the end of the day, if things work out for your side, you feel better…having the energy to face another day. But what if, it starts getting serious? What if you know, you’ll never have this someone you are falling for…and yet you let yourself fall anyway. What if…Is it worth waiting for? Coz really, Time…is always a factor…to everything.

Sick and on Leave

MysticAngel — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 03:44:39 +0000

I remember exactly a year ago. It was the last day of a week’s vacation in Macau. I went there with some of my friends to marvel at the City of Lights here in Asia. I remember how fun it had been. I miss that place. what i remember the most, is probably sitting in the middle of all the casino, basking in all those casino lights. I felt drunk and sober at the same time. It was an escape. To a different world. To a different time.

Here i am today, sitting on my bed, feeling a wee bit scared and lonely at the same time. What i would give to be in that place again…or probably in Paris, i think it would be the same thing. But that would be impossible, because i am here at home, on a sick leave, broke, alone, and wishing to that someone out there to make a certain person fall for me, the way i am falling for him.

I think i am sick, because for the past 4 days, i had been feeling my world spin around me…literally, every time i lie down or i get up. That ain’t normal. I think it may be vertigo, my sister has it. But i am not that sure. And for the coward that i am when it comes to facing doctors, i think i will never know if i’m seriously sick or not. At least not so soon. I have this weird thinking that once doctors start to diagnose what you have, you start becoming worse. I don’t know if it’s just me, but that’s how i feel. A year ago…i had been a bit ready to face death and mock at him saying “You think you got me? Well guess what, i got here by myself, because dying felt so much better.” I dunno if i’m still at that state at this moment, but somehow, sometimes it feels good living. And so i am scared to know if i really am sick or not. Somehow, Ignorance still is bliss.

I would have gone to work today, just for the sake of seeing someone. Even if i feel crappy, it seemed seeing him would be worth it. And then…it occurred to me that it will just be another day of bantering over nothing and liking him, or seeing him and liking him, or just talking to him…and liking him. So it’s basically just all one-sided liking. And it gets disappointing sometimes. Because at the end of the day, i will be left with this melancholic smile thinking, it will never be us…but today is still worth it. Stupid me.

So here i am today, feeling a wee bit scared and lonely. On a sick leave instead of at work. Because sometimes, especially today, i think id rather feel sick and lonely than feel sick and disappointed at the end of the day. So here i am, missing Macau, because last year it seemed like the greatest escape. The greatest freedom. The greatest adventure. And i think i’d need another one of those. Soon.

Wishful thinking

MysticAngel — Tue, 01 Jun 2010 16:55:34 +0000

I wonder how it feels to hold you
I wonder how it feels to even try
I wonder if it will ever happen
Or will it all just pass us by

The warmth of your smile
The sound of your voice
It makes my heart skip
It makes my heart soar

But this may all just be a dream
Typical of a dreamer like me
But i still hope someday…somehow…
I’ll wake up to see… you’re here…with me

Your arms around me
Fingers intertwined
My head on you shoulders
Your heart beats with mine

Need my inkblots again…

MysticAngel — Mon, 03 May 2010 16:13:28 +0000

It has been quite a while and i can’t blame anybody but myself for not having been able to write. Lately, i have just been overwhelmed, stressed and a bit burned out with work that even at home it is what i think about. Would have been good if thinking about it makes me even more productive, but unfortunately, it just makes me wanna rest even more. Maybe it is the lack of enthusiasm for the past months…maybe it is the lack of compensation… maybe it is the lack of motivation…or maybe just maybe i just stopped being inspired. Who knows, i couldn’t even seem to find the answers myself at this time.

I have spent the entire long weekend doing various things. I watched movies, went out, played with my camera, had my share of fitness routines. I actually jogged this weekend, i jogged til i ran out of breathe. A few weeks ago we went to roadtrips, watched movies spent the whole midnight out of the house and hang out til my eyes and my mind begged for sleep. I now jog around 2x a week during weekdays. And here is the thing…i get tired at work…so it may seem weird that i am tiring myself with non-work stuff to get over my getting tired of work. It may seem weird but yeah, it helps somehow. Yet it doesn’t seem to get me inspired back to be able to write something.

Yesterday, i went out and bought a number of movies to watch and i came across this movie…and tonight i was watching it and got caught up with it. Simply because, it was an unexpectedly nice pick. I was enjoying the whole movie when this scene came into view, the guy and the girl walking on the road and the guy asks this girl about what she wants to do and all that..during that conversation, the girl said…

“All I know is, if you don’t figure out this something, you’ll just stay ordinary, and it doesn’t matter if it’s a work of art or a taco, or a pair of socks! Just create something… new, and there it is, and it’s you, out in the world, out side of you and you can look at it, or hear it, or read it, or feel it… and you know a little more about… you. A little bit more than anyone else does…

I looked at myself, i have tried everything i could to not be ordinary. Yet, i can’t still seem to find what i want to do. I wanna do a lot of things…none of them close to what i am doing right at this point in time. So maybe…just maybe i have to take a few steps closer to what i wanna be doing. ‘Coz i may not be at that point just yet…but then if i take a step closer, tomorrow, id be closer to it than to where i am today. And so…i finished the movie, turned on my PC. And here i am…sitting in front of it, contemplating. Because i don’t wanna stay ordinary…and this may be just a piece of horrible nonsense or bullshit but it is something i can look at, read, and call my own. So i will know a little more about me…a little more than anyone else does. Because really…this is me creating something.

P.S. I Love You…

That is the movie that got me into posting again.

Almost Sunset

MysticAngel — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 14:11:49 +0000

I am fond of the sunset…simply because it just seemed so serene and yet brilliant. The sunset fascinates me every time. Doesn’t matter how many i have seen…i just wanted to capture a good one. I took this shot at Roxas Blvd. We were driving along when i saw this and thought it might be nice to take a shot. So here it is…behold the almost sunset.